Bankrupt on Selling

Pipedream

2005-04-25T02:06:00.000-07:00

The movie is semiautobiographical. It has to be brutaly honest. Show the naked face of life. Not documentary. not cheesy. It can't have the cheep feeling of everything working towards a point. Life doesn't end succinctly in a two hour time frame. Life only ends when you die. Someone will die in the film because it is too possible for someone to die in my life. that is too trite, too intentionally morose. Maybe no one dies. Our lives have to be shown as uninteresting. no, then the movie will be boring. It has to be shown that they are uninteresting to us, but could be incredible as hell to the rest of the world. That's the way life is. Possible opening shot: B, c, and g sitting around perkins like we were tonight. It should be Perkins because it's nice to think that we hang out in non chain cafes but really it's perkins. everyone can identify with that. it will be easy. we talk about the people we know. P and E and G triangle thing. Not triangle. It's not really a triangle. That's a cheep cliche. E and G had a thing, mostly physical with not much commitment but very light. It died slowly out. How? I need to ask. The whole time P has been in love with her. now they are together a lot. Sounds too soap opera. Must be careful how we treat that one. The house the 7 of them move into has 3 heavy coke users. G did crack-cocaine the other night. Could have problems with heavy coke users in house. This plot is starting to sound very melodramatic. Is that the truth? that our lives are melodromatic and we don't see it? Maybe not. Maybe we show things and make the viewer think they will be over melodramatic and in the end it's not. I think that can be done by the characters speaking like real people. No one has good lines that are fed to them. The primary difference in shitty movies is that people always have something meaningful to say. Life is awkard. It's hard when you're ad-libing through life. As Calvin once said, life should have more dance numbers and laugh tracks. So the movie opens with us talking. It will show use in black and white with a camera agle low on the table. As if the camera is sitting on a nearby table. Another comes opposite the table sort of high so it's coming from the right shoulder area. G and C sit on one side of the table and B on the other. As they talk to each other the camera shifts from the high shoulder shot. no, the shoulder shot comes when you're looking at B. The camera is coming from on C's left shoulder, off to the right of B. So B is not looking at the camera. Another angle is right on the table to show all three of them. Possibly so you can just see their hands and the items on the table as they stub out cigarettes and sip coffee. Another is a two shot of C and G. It is eye-level right inbetween C and G. The conversation is broken into a few times by the the group of 3 average looking girls (two brunnettes and a blond) and a guy of slightly larger stature and rather long hair. They have no significance, they are atmosphere. C was fired from the Perkins kitchen. The waiter is at the end of his rope (admitedly too) and looks so. We have little money, I use change to pay. We are stoned and greg is a bit drunk. We talk about the movie idea during the end. Sounds a lot like adaptation? Need to watch that one again and make sure we don't copy. C has a mohawk only had it for a few weeks. It's redish but was originaly pink for a while. It's not up but looks as if it was the previous night and not washed. B has long hair and a beard. He is overweight and wears the same black with orange bleachmark hoodie and corduroy jacket with missing buttons. C wears his leather jacket and ripped jeans. B's jeans are loose and have whole in the knee. G is lanky, a little tall. Average length hair. He talks without opening his jaw too much. He talks in the back of his throat slightly. C talks with the hard rock accent. It's definitely not southern but gives off a certain feel that belies his choice in music. Okay, during the conversation the open credits are coming in. Oh yeah, definitely b&w photography. After every twenty seconds or so of live action the voice continues while part of the credits come up on a black screen with white lettering. Must figure out how to move smoothly back and forth? Could seem to halted and stiff to move back and forth. They smoke cigarettes, B bumming them. Before the semester he had never smoked one but recently has been bumming them and bought them on a few occassions. He is worried because he doesn't want to become habitual. Definitely has to be part of the backdrop. The backdrop is what this movie has to be about. The drab little stories we don't notice play out because they take a long time. Creep up on you. The story will be backdrop. Almost no story, just backdrop. Not trying for a point. Gotta keep it inetersting is the tough part. I'm going to post this on my blog now.

Everyday she wars the same thing, I think she smokes pot. She's everything I want, she's everything I'm not

2005-04-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Met an incredible girl last night. She was even interested enough in me to take me with her to a friends place to roast a bowl. I got way too wasted to be either charming or funny, so I guess I don't know if I'll even get to see her again. Even meeting someone right now is enough to make me happy.

Just like a paper tiger

2005-04-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back on top again this week. My mood swings are so wild lately, all I can do is sit back and enjoy the ride. 420 day is quickly approaching, so enjoy it I will. I just picked up a sack of AK47 and will light up a J at midnight to bring in the day. Tommorow morning will be a wake and bake. Ahhh..... the college life can be so sweet.

I know the pieces fit

2005-04-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

And it finally all falls apart. The last month I've been happy trying to prop up the pieces of my life. Now, they come tumbling down with the smallest wind. Like Sisyphus, I struggle in vain at a self-defeating task. A better man could get this runaway life on track but I am no better man. All I have now is broken dreams and self-loathing. I don't like myself anymore. I used to want to be me, more than anyone else. I remember thinking that if I had the choice of switching lives with anyone on the planet, I would still choose myself. I liked where I was and what path I was on. Now, I just want out of this life. I won't kill myself. Curiosity is all that keeps me alive, curiosity to see where this morose human drama leads me. I wish I could make this tumble without hurting those that love me. I know that they've suffered for me. Empathy is a powerful thing.

I won't forget who I'm looking for

2005-04-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

I've decided that actually reading any of my previous posts is a bad idea. I'm usually drunk and depressed when I get the motivation to right anything. Tonight though, I'm sober and introspective. I've been thinking about changing my name recently. I don't think I'll do something as drastic as making a legal change but I'd like something unique. I like the name "Ben", but it's shared by too many. I need something that nobody else has. Something that quite clearly identifies me. If anyone is actually reading this blog, I'd encourage to post any good ideas. Once again, though, the direction of my life is unfocused. It looks like I'll be living here in Cedar Falls over the summer and spending my time alternately working, smoking, drinking, and searching for the meaning of life (yes 42, I know). I've been having a good time with a great group of friends I've made here. That joy is so fleeting, however. In the end, I return alone, to my room. I spend hours on the computer just searching for anything to provide insight or interest. Is that all I'll ever have. It was my birthday today, by the way (well, it'll be over by the time I post this ). It was probably one of the worst I've had in a while. Last year, I brought it in with a beautiful (although it shall remain ambigious for her protection) present from my (ex-now) girlfriend. Then, I won a few hundred in my first Casino trip with my friends. On the way back, I used my intimidating looks and beard to con a cashier into selling me enough Busch Light to make the ride home enjoyable. This year, all I have to show is a very odd and unsatisfying sexual experience coupled with a day of sleep, videogames, and volleyball. It really wasn't a bad day but I guess birthdays are supposed to be special. There's always next year.

You're invisible now

2005-04-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my room listening to the Flaming Lips, while I babysit two good friends of mine. They are both tripping like crazy on 'shrooms. Chris talks about how he may be depressed. He doesn't know. Both of them are tripping. At the same time I'm dealing with the same feelings of being alone. I don't experience anything the same. It just intensifies the feeling when they're on shrooms and I'm on Ezra Brooks (Jack Daniels retarded cousin). I don't have a partner. I don't mean sexual, but someone that I can really relate with. I go through life solitary, where "A" and "C" go together, I go alone. People are meant to be in couples. It doesn't have to be sexual. It's just a bond. I don't know if I've ever had a bond.

If we dance in the mirror, the party will look twice as big

2005-04-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Last night was one of those typical college nights that binds the age together. We started out the night dropping in on a good friend of mine so we could get some herb for the night. We smoked a few bowls and shot the proverbial shit for a while. After coming back to campus and consuming some munchies, we headed out again. We went to a friend of a friends and smoked some more. This same FOF came with us and we headed to a long awaited party (things sound cooler if you use a LoTR reference). It was incredibly packed there. The keg line was about 30 minutes for guys and about 3 if you're an attractive girl. Luckily, I knew one of the hosts well enough to get a free cup and spare my dwindling reserves of money (none). After a half an hour of standing inside feeling ridiculous, I went outside to smoke something, anything. I always feel more comfortable when I'm outside at a party. The inside of a party is competitive in the animal sense. Individuals always seem to be vying for the attentions of the choice females and trying to gain position among the dominant males. On the outside, people satisfy a different crave (nicotine). While my hands are busy with the task of feeding myself beer and nicotine, I can be comfortable to have fascinating conversations with people. Music, philosophy, sociology, politics.... all of my favorites. This time, being outside was lucky because I was the first one to see the cops pull up. My friends and I were pretty fast to get out of there. We snuck out the back and evaded the 3 or 4 cops that were stopping people out front. I later heard that one of the hosts spent the night in jail. A sure bummer. We ended up walking to another friends house to continue the partying late into the night. Just another typical college experience.

Everything in it's right place

2005-03-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

I've fucked up so much with my family. I've lied to them and betrayed the very core of their trust and love. It only hurts more that they still love me, and I them. I can't ask anymore of them. I need to be an outcast for a while..... for my sake. I've felt good today, and at the same time guilty. Guilty for feeling good. For trying to move on. I've felt calm. Maybe it's the cliche of a near death experience.

The Facebook

2005-03-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

I hate/love it. It's wonderful from a sociological standpoint. You can waste hours just looking people up and exploring the nuances of your social web. But, my pseudo-indie kid (snobby) mentality makes me want to hate what the masses are so into. At the same time, I adore the interconnectedness that is the web. Some people take it too far, however. People I hardly know adding me to they're friends list. They display their friends like they're the hides of some animals in a hunting expedition. The more you collect, the higher your social standing. I have 162 friends and everyone loves me is the mentality. It makes it unecessary to actual use conversation to learn others interests. That can be a positive since I can just completely bypass having to talk with conservatives.

No shitty introduction..... right into it

2005-03-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

I debated for a while about posting some introduction of my life but I think that would be like the cheesy "on the last episode of Star Trek" segment. I'll just get to the here and now. I don't have the skill for prose and poetry that Tyler does. Instead, I offer my own experiences in plain, drab form, hopefully without equaly cheesy real world voice over narration and reflection.

I destroyed the Lumina today. I had spent the whole night playing poker at the Casino. It ended as my second losing night in a row, something previously unprecedented. Previously, I had always won in god sums of money. I was headed back to the Casino after sleeping in a nearby rest stop. Suddenly, I realized I didn't know where my wallet was. I started to look around for the wallet in the car. I looked up and was immediately hit by a red four door Sedan of unkown make. I don't even remember the Car skidding to a halt or spinning around like it must've. I just remember thinking "oh shit." It wasn't even a scared "Oh shit" it was more resigned than anything else. Getting hit by a car fit too well into the general scheme of my life. I was bound for it sooner or later. The other man was desperate to get my immediate acceptance of the blame. I nodded, yes you did had the green light. I would understand that more after he took the brethalizer test. The rest of the afternoon is boring details of coming home and the heated conversation with my Father. He seemed more worried about my current mental condition (growing dementia) than what I did to the car. I still felt terrible about it. Now that I'm at UNI I feel good though. I don't know why. I should feel terrible about everything. Between my struggling grades, missed classes, financial troubles, and a car accident I should be way low. Instead I'm happy. Content even more so than I have been in a year. I'm sad for no reason at times and now it's reversed itself. Odd.